Though I haven’t had the chance to write much lately, rest assured, I have been committed to learning and growing in other amazing ways. I have sacrificed time writing for other important things including daily Bible reading. In searching for Him, in His Word, I have found great comfort, and restoration. Amazing moments keep happening to me, enough that I could write for days! I am feeling joy on new levels!
But of course, this isn’t always the case. We have to go through valleys so that we recognize and appreciate the mountains in our lives. A valley that has been troublesome for me lately has a name common to many: Anxiety.
Panic attacks are real, and terrifying. They come on unexpectedly. They bring a slew of symptoms with them including headaches, stomach issues a plenty, exhaustion, anger, outbursts, and all sorts of physical ailments. They cause relationships to suffer, plans to be cancelled, life to be altered. The worst part is the complete lack of control I seem to have over them. But God is bigger than anxiety. He is bigger and mightier than any storm I could ever come across.
Each morning I read my Bible, I find new nuggets of truth to meditate on all day, a new verse or two to remind me how much God loves me, or a simple reminder of the fact that its not me in control, but rather a much stronger force is.. God Himself. I had plans made with a wonderful friend, I was excited for them, and there is no reason to be worried. We have no conflicts between us, we both search whole heartedly for the Lord, and we are both friendly, fun women, and yet I woke up feeling anxiety rearing its ugly head on the morning we were supposed to meet. So, cue my frustration. I am annoyed that I am feeling anxious when I have no reason to feel anxious. I’m debating cancelling plans, or even hoping she will so I don’t have to deal with Anxiety’s annoying cousin, Guilt. I’m running millions of scenarios though my head and its worsening by the minute.
Like I said earlier, I have been committed to my daily Bible reading, so out comes my Bible and anxiety is just going to have to wait while I make my priorities known. I picked up in Isaiah – such an amazing book in the Old Testament that is written by the prophet Isaiah. He wrote over and over of salvation, and pointed to Jesus’ coming about 680 years before Jesus came, writing about Jesus in ways that actually happened and came true! The book is amazing. I couldn’t stop reading, and even ran over the time I had allotted myself, but I couldn’t help it! I know the first 39 chapters lean on judgement, and the last 26 (beginning at chapter 40) are really focused on comfort. I had reached chapter 40 and I didn’t want to stop! I was excited for the best parts of the book. So now add anxiety about being late and not being ready to my already anxious self. But it didn’t matter, I kept justifying one more chapter, one more chapter, one more chapter for some reason.
The reason became pretty evident in Chapter 40, God opens the chapter by telling Isaiah “Comfort, comfort my people.” Okay God, I could use some of that comfort! But the real eye opener came at the end of the chapter, verses 28-31:
Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives powers to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall into exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not grow faint.”
Do you understand at all how God thinks? Of course not! In all our lives of searching for Him, we will never fully understand His ways. We are mere humans incapable of thinking on the level God does. But, His Word (the Bible) offers us so much insight into His love for us! I know that I can relate to that as a Mom. My children fill my heart, they are the very reason I try to grow and be better, and yet sometimes they can be darn right awful! But, I still see them as beautiful, perfectly made individuals who have so much potential and I don’t ever love them less because of their faults. This is exactly how God feels about me, and you! Each and every single one of us. I know my biggest fear when I went from one child to two, was how could I love two kids in the same amount that I love my first? Would my love be divided? I was pleasantly surprised to see it wasn’t! It was multiplied. That’s how God loves us!
Because I carried on and read one more chapter, I was reminded that God is full of power and might, which He promises to give to the weak (and in my case anxious!) I trust God in my deepest fears, my biggest goals and my every day life, and as such He has promised me NEW STRENGTH. He has promised me that I will run without growing weary, and walk without growing faint. I was so thankful for that verse, I had to stop right there and pray a prayer of gratitude for God, and express my thanks for His word, His love, and His comfort. But, it didn’t end there..
One more chapter.
Isaiah 41. Verse 10. Its so well known on its own amongst Christians, but when you read the Bible as a whole you forget about memory verses until they sneak up and provide you with exactly the wisdom you needed in that moment. That, is Isaiah 41:10 for me, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Wow. Anxiety. Never mind. You’re not welcome here today. At least not in this moment, because in this moment I have fought the lies of anxiety with the most powerful force you can imagine: God, and His Word, His Truth!
But.. one more chapter! One more chapter.. I was starving for more comfort, more peace, more of God’s love.
Isaiah 42 is full of examples of Jesus. I am in awe of what God is predicting, having read the Gospels and knowing Jesus, I am excited to see these prophecies that I know to be true. It just strengthens my faith and cements me even deeper in my love for Christ.
One more chapter. Still my soul yearns.
“But now O Jacob, Listen to the Lord who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
It carries on with the second half of verse 4 saying, “because you are precious to me. You are honoured and I love you.” I wrote my name next to that, God said “I love you, Leslie.” Because that was what I needed to hear. He created me, He put me on earth in this time for a purpose. He knows my days, He knows my struggles, He knows me on a deep level, and He loves me. He honours me. He promises to walk with me through deep waters, rivers of difficulties and fires of oppression. These words are for me, but they are also for you. He gave me the gift to gab so that I can speak my faith and encourage others. He used others to tell me to write so that I can process and share with others as well. He planned for me to write this on this very day, and He planned for you to read it. He honours you, and He loves you. Its my prayer for you that you gain some understanding of just how much He loves.